Agreeing to disagree
How good are you at disagreeing with others?
How good are you at speaking up when you think something different?
When we started Sync, we had a place online where people could leave each other messages. We wanted people to have a place to talk to each other. We knew people would have different things to say. Just because we are disabled people, why should we all think the same things?
We thought people would be polite and calm. We forgot how easy it was to get angry if people don't think the same as you.
Saying what you think is important if you want to lead - and people won't always agree with you..
How can we get better at disagreeing? How can we still show respect, when we don't like what someone says? How do we listen to someone when we think they are wrong, wrong, wrong?
And does being a disabled person mean we deal with this differently?
What do you do?
Lots of people hate fights or arguments.
Some people try and avoid them or pretend they are not happening, other people get very angry and upset. Some people blame other people all the time. Other people say it's nothing to do with them and let other people sort it out.
Do you do any of these?
These are the ways lots of us deal with fights or arguments - but they aren't good ways.
What you do will depend on lots of things like what your family used to do when there was a fight or argument, or what your job is (if you have a powerful job, you might stand up for what you think).
Many disabled people learn to avoid fights and arguments when they are young and other disabled people love arguing so much they argue with anyone over anything!
There was a fab song by Ian Stanton called ‘Chip on Yer Shoulder’ where people used to ask the song’s central character to be a ‘quiet little crip, without a chip…’
Good things
Fighting and arguing isn’t always bad.
We fight when we are passionate about something; when we care enough to make a difference. Think about a lioness fighting for her cubs or a dog fighting for its territory. This passion is a good thing.
Lots of us have things we are passionate about, things that are really, really important to us. If someone says something nasty about these things, it's good to speak up.
But how do we speak up and make sure everything gets better, not worse?
Learning to listen
I can't help thinking that this would be a better world if everyone would listen to me.
Lucy Van Pelt in Charles Schulz' Peanuts
We need to learn to listen.
Sometimes we are so busy talking, we forget to listen to what the other person is really saying.
It is hard to listen when you are sure you are right and they are wrong.
So what can you do to show you are listening to someone? Try saying what they are saying back to them, so they know you have heard it.
How else can we speak our mind and still not make things worse? Here are some ideas:
Always say what you think, not what you think someone else thinks!
Don't call people names.
Make how you speak soft, don't shout.
Have a break
Don't let your body show signs of being angry or cross - don't stamp your feet.
Let other people speak too, wait your turn.
Stick to the facts.
What do you really want?
When you are in the middle of a row, it can be hard to remember what you want.
Do you just want to be right? If you want to listen to others you might have to change your mind sometimes.
It's easy to want to be right so much, we forget about the real thing we are fighting over. It becomes about winning the fight and not about really solving the problem we are fighting over.
Remember what you really want!
Having a row
When we row with someone we do lots of different things. Do you do any of these?
Call people names - not a good way to row!
Be nasty about the person – not a good thing - try and stick to talking about what the person says.
Be nasty about how they are saying things – also not good. You may think they are saying things in a nasty way, but try and stick to talking about the real things that are important
Say you think differently – this is good, but sometimes you need more
Say why you think differently – this is great. Tell people what you think and why.
Be clear about exactly where you think differently - this is really great! Here you find the exact thing you disagree with, focus on it and explain why you think differently.
People do think differently - that's life.
If you don't agree make sure you keep clear what you think and what they think, it can make having a different view much easier.
Talk about things, don't let them build up...
So how can you make sure you speak up before things become problems?
One way is by not being scared of disagreeing.
Think about it.
How many times have you chosen to be quiet about something that's bothering you. What happens? You end up moaning about it to other people.
We can be scared about big rows, but if we talk about things before we are too upset - maybe they don't need to be so big?
So how can you have good disagreements?
Say thanks when people say they think differently to you. It's a great time to find out more and start talking.
Lead by example – if you stick to the good rules, other people will learn from you and do it too.
Think about the other person
Be aware of the things that always upset you. Everyone has certain things that set them off. Know what sets you off, and learn to watch out for them.
Slow down. If we are trying to do things too fast, we won't be able to really listen to other people.
Please don’t think I do all of this stuff all of the time! I can get angry too!
Now I have found out all these things, I am going to try and do some of them now instead of having a bad argument.
So I want to know what you think.
You can tell me below - even if you disagree with me!.
Jo Verrent (Sync project manager)
